Dining Out for Dummies.

so i've been working a lot this past weekend, and as each shift goes by at work, i wonder more and more why they've never created a book called: dining out for dummies. i mean those ppl have a book for everything else, why not that? so i decided to make up my own. sure this isnt going to be everything i write down here, but you will get the drift, and please feel free to let me know anything else you can think of!

1.the introduction.
when you meet someone, whether it be on the street, through a friend, at work, etc. you let them finish what they're saying before you start to speak. for example, "hi my name is christina." and you would pause to make sure they are finished and you would answer. so why is it that when you come to my workplace and i start my speech, you interrupt me with whatever you want to drink. i have a whole introduction speech to give you and when you interrupt that speech, not only have you screwed up my groove but you are now getting your drink in a dirty cup, probably with a straw i've licked. DON'T INTERRUPT YOUR SERVER'S INTRODUCTION.

2. beverages.
i make your sodas, your waters, your tea, your coffee. i am not the bartender, i do not make your alcoholic beverages, and last time i checked i do not ferment your beer. if your drink is too weak, too strong, too sweet, too sour, politeness is key to getting this fixed. by telling me "ugh, this drink is disgusting you need to fix this." what i'm hearing is.."whatever makes this more disgusting please please do it!!!! just to watch me squirm in displeasure!" because that is exactly what i will do. if you do not like something a simple, "this isn't exactly what i thought it was, i'm sorry could i possibly try something else or maybe have them alter this one?" will be more than fine thank you.

3. reading the menu.
i understand that sometimes you are rushed by the people you are with to make a quick decision. that does not mean that you should not read what exactly is in your meal you have chosen. because when you get something and it has things you do not like on it, it is going to take even longer when we have to redo it. and by reading the menu i don't mean asking me to recite the menu for you. listen dude, i have 17 other people waiting for me, i'm not going to read to you because you are lazy. pony up big boy, just do it.

4. upon recieving your food.
when i am dropping off plates to 6 people at the table, i am trying to balance a lot of food, and make sure each person at the table gets the correct meal. when the first person who gets their food immediately starts spitting out that they need ketchup and napkins and more salt i want to grab that persons face and smash it into their food. dude i do this for a living, i will ask you when i am finished putting down everything what you need, and then you may fire at me like wildfire with your requests. until then shut up and wait.

5. during your meal.
as previously stated with the drinks, i am not the chef either. i do not cook your food, so if your food comes out wrong and you aren't enjoying it, treating me like crap will not get it out to you any faster. refills...i do not mind refilling your drink. if you chug the first one, i will courteously chalk it up to you were really thirsty when you came in. if you are a grown adult and chug a 2nd drink, i will make you sweat it out til your food comes. this is not a frat house and i am not your slave. if you are a teenager and are chugging soda because they are free i will ignore you completely. if you are a 20 something slamming back drinks to get wasted, jokes on you buddy we have a 4 drink policy. so seriously, don't chug.

6. cleaning up of the table.
as members of your party finish they're meals, i will try to remove what i can from the table, and i will come back for the rest. stacking everything you can find on top of my pile of dishes is just dumb. sometimes, when a jerk does such a thing, i pray to the restaurant gods that i will drop all of the plates on said jerk's lap. don't be rude, if my hands are full give me a minute.

7. coffee.
ok. you are in a restaurant. ALL RESTAURANT COFFEE IS GROSS! we are not a gourmet coffee joint, go to starbucks if my coffee is too bitter, too old, too stale. because honestly i don't have the time to brew a new pot for you. and 9 times out of 10 if you say you need a fresh cup we're going to continue giving you the old cup and telling you that "its new sir" and if you don't like it i appologize. take your coffee loving behind somewhere else.

8. paying the bill.
first and foremost, if 2 people at the table are fighting with me to take their credit card and not the other persons, i will walk away. talk about awkward. secondly, if you are leaving me cash, it is an insult if you leave it crumpled up thrown askew on my table. 3rd if you are leaving exact change you should be shot. fourth, gratuity in the state of maryland is 18%. this is how i make my money. i make 3 DOLLARS and 8 CENTS an hour. i don't make money off of your food, i make money off of the extra money that you leave me. when i have gotten you 15 waters and done all but wipe your kids snotty face or follow you to the bathroom and wipe your behind and you leave me 2 or 3 dollars i want to chase you out the door and beat you senseless in the parking lot. honestly, i do. and teenagers? don't send your kids to a restaurant knowing your kids have no idea how to behave in a restaurant and leave them for me to babysit on a friday night crazy busy while they have soda chugging contests and order one desert for all 7 of them to share and then leave me ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you better find a way to get me some tip money or next time, your kid isn't coming home.

9. cleaning up after your children.
i love kids. adore them. so when i have kids at my table, i don't mind. i play with them, they're cute and i am genuinely nice to the family. however, when you leave me with sugar packets all over the table and floor, food stuck to the floor and seats, crayons smashed on the table and floor, and napkins all over, i want to find your house and blow it up while you all sleep safely inside. i am not your maid, i am your server. i was nice to you i was nice to your kids and i made sure your kids food came out first and i took care of you all night. how rude can you be to leave me a nasty mess behind you. i hope the next time someone comes to your house for a play date they leave poopy diapers on your living room floor and toys all over your house and gum on your furniture and food jamed in your vcr.


well that is all the time i have for today, and this isn't even close to everything i could say, these are just some of the basics. one day i will write a book about the proper dining out etiquette...trust me you'll want to pick that up :)


daley inspiration for 12/15/08:
do unto others as you would have them do unto you. take a step back and think before you say or do things, and wonder how you would feel to have them done to you. it is easy to snap back at someone and fire a nasty remark, but when dealt with rudely, the offender can become worse. so even if someone says a harsh thing to you, laugh it off and chalk it up as their own ignorance. you are better than that.

xoxo